Why You Keep Fighting About Sex—and How to Stop It

By Mark Odland – MA, LMFT, MDIV (Certified EMDR Therapist)

Based on Episode 4 of the Lion Counseling Podcast with Zack Carter

Why Communication in Marriage Breaks Down

Arguments in marriage often boil down to three key areas: money, sex, and chores. Today, we’re zooming in on one of the most emotionally charged issues for couples—sex.

At Lion Counseling, we help high-achieving Christian men overcome communication breakdowns in their relationships. Whether you’re feeling rejected, misunderstood, or just plain frustrated—this article offers a clear path forward.

Before the Argument: What Men Need to Understand

1. Your Brain Isn’t Helping

When you’re angry or anxious, your brain shifts into all-or-nothing survival mode. It’s helpful when you’re being chased by a bear—not when you’re talking to your wife about intimacy.

➡️ Action Step: Reflect in a calm space. Ask yourself, “What part of this conflict is mine to own?” Even if it’s only 5%, take ownership.

2. Humility De-Escalates

Even if you’re “mostly right,” owning your small part of the conflict changes the tone. As John Gottman teaches, the antidote to defensiveness is responsibility.

Use the Feelings Wheel (Yes, Really)

Many men operate from anger because it feels powerful. But anger is usually a surface emotion. Beneath it? Disappointment, insecurity, fear, or sadness.

➡️ Pro Tip: Use the Feelings Wheel to build emotional vocabulary. Naming the right emotion helps you communicate more effectively.

How to Talk About Sex Without Fighting

Try the “Soft Start-Up” Method

Gottman’s research shows arguments often start with criticism. That’s why we teach the “soft start-up” approach:

  1. “I” Statement: Talk about yourself, not what she’s doing wrong.
  2. Emotion: Name your true feeling (disappointed, lonely, etc.).
  3. Positive Need: Share what you need to feel closer and loved.

Example: “Babe, I’ve been feeling kind of disappointed lately because I really want to feel close to you. I miss connecting sexually. What do you think we could do so we both feel more connected and satisfied?”

This approach keeps your spouse from feeling attacked—and invites collaboration.

What If She Gets Defensive Anyway?

Even great conversations can trigger past wounds or insecurities. That’s why we recommend adding another tool: reflective listening.

Reflective Listening = De-Escalation Superpower

Instead of solving the problem, mirror what she’s saying.

Her: “I’m exhausted and overwhelmed. The kids were a mess today.”
You: “Wow, it sounds like today was really overwhelming. I bet you’re exhausted.”

It’s simple. It’s powerful. And yes, it works.

💡 Remember: Talking is thinking for many women. Reflecting gives her space to process and feel understood.

But What If We Still Don’t Solve the Problem?

Sometimes listening leads to emotional relief—but not immediate resolution. That’s okay.

Here’s how to bridge the gap:

  • Ask open-ended questions: “What do you think we should do?”
  • Offer suggestions only with permission: “Would you be open to a thought I had?”
  • Use the word ‘we’: “How can we work on this together?”

Language matters. “We” builds unity. “You” builds walls.

Ready to Fight Less and Connect More?

Whether your communication needs a simple tune-up or a full overhaul, we’re here to help. At Lion Counseling, we offer therapy and coaching for men who want to show up better for their marriages and families.

Schedule a free consultation here and let’s build the skills that lead to deeper connection, less arguing, and more peace at home.

Helpful Phrases You Can Use Today

  • “I’m sure you didn’t mean to, but when that happened, I felt disrespected.”
  • “Maybe I’m being overly sensitive, but it’s stuck with me.”
  • “What do you think we can do about this together?”
  • “Would you be open to hearing a suggestion?”
  • “Wow, that sounds really hard. I can see why you’re upset.”

Final Thoughts

Arguments are often just misfires in emotional connection. You don’t have to be perfect to make progress. Even small shifts in how you talk—and how you listen—can create massive breakthroughs.

➡️ Want more? Subscribe to the Lion Counseling Podcast for weekly episodes on faith, masculinity, mental health, and relationships.

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