Understanding Anger: What It’s Really Trying to Tell You

By Mark Odland, MA, LMFT

Based on Episode 6 with Zack Carter (Counselor and Coach) on the Lion Counseling Podcast

Anger Isn’t the Problem—It’s a Signal

Most men don’t need to be taught how to get angry. We’re experts. But few of us have been taught what anger actually is or how to use it as a tool instead of a weapon.

At Lion Counseling, we specialize in helping men understand what’s underneath the anger—and how to use it to heal, lead, and live with integrity.

What Is Anger Trying to Protect?

Anger is rarely a root emotion. It’s usually connected to something deeper—like fear, sadness, disappointment, or shame.

Think of it like a check engine light. It’s not the problem—it’s alerting you that something under the hood needs attention.

Why Men Default to Anger

  • It’s fast and powerful. Anger gives us a sense of control when we feel helpless.
  • It’s acceptable (sort of). In many circles, anger is seen as masculine—but sadness or fear isn’t.
  • It’s protective. It keeps people at a distance when we feel emotionally exposed.

The Biology Behind Your Blow-Ups

From a brain science standpoint, anger is part of our survival system. When we perceive a threat, the brain activates the fight-or-flight response. That’s useful if you’re facing danger—but not so helpful in a disagreement with your spouse or kids.

Anger is supposed to be temporary. When it becomes chronic, it points to something deeper.

What’s Underneath Your Anger?

Here are a few common emotional roots:

  • Fear: of failure, rejection, or being out of control
  • Shame: not feeling good enough, respected, or capable
  • Grief: losses you’ve never processed
  • Overwhelm: from trying to carry too much alone

How to Start Taking Control of Anger

1. Name What You’re Really Feeling

Use tools like the Feelings Wheel to get more specific than just “mad.” You might be hurt, jealous, anxious, ashamed—and each has different needs and solutions.

2. Slow Down the Reaction

Anger bypasses your logic brain (neocortex) and hijacks your nervous system. Practicing slow breathing, walking away to cool off, or writing down what you feel can help you re-engage your reasoning.

3. Own Your Part

Even if you’re 95% right, own your 5%. It’s a game changer for reducing defensiveness and opening the door to resolution.

4. Learn to Express Anger Constructively

Instead of exploding or shutting down, express your anger with self-control. Use statements like, “I’m feeling frustrated because…” rather than blaming or accusing.

Faith + Psychology = Power Over Anger

We believe in integrating Christian values with modern therapy tools. Righteous anger is real—but it’s different from reactionary rage. Jesus expressed anger, but it was directed, purposeful, and grounded in love and justice.

At Lion Counseling, we help men align their emotional lives with their values and calling.

Want to Understand and Master Your Anger?

If you’re tired of apologizing after another blow-up—or suppressing rage that’s burning you out—we can help. Schedule a free consultation here and learn how to reclaim peace and power.

You Don’t Have to Stay Stuck in Anger

Anger is part of being a man. But it shouldn’t rule you.

You’re not weak for feeling emotion. You’re strong when you face it, master it, and use it to lead with purpose.

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